tiistai 3. syyskuuta 2013

Your ass is jealous of the shit that comes out of your mouth

I haven't written in a long time. Or posted, whatever. So the other day I started to think why do I always stop and why do I always still start again.
I am, as I believe humans in general, very conflicted being. Case in point; I really truly believe that I live and want to live as I wish and not how others tell me to. I'm rather hated for what I am than loved for what I am not and etc. But still I have this fear that someone will dislike me. I'm even ok with the knowledge that there are people who basically hate me, but somehow, some twisted and bented way, I nevertheless live in fear that someone who I meet will not like me. I think it bases on the fear of being left completely alone. That if one person doesn't like me afterall no one will.
This is so irrational and stupid, but before I can recognize and say it out loud I propably won't get rid of it. So now it's said. And now how does this relate to me being lasy ass fucker with my blogging. Well, basically the same thing or if not same then kinda related maby.. Anycase, I'm blogging cause I like it, but then more I blogg the more I become conscious of what I can and what can't I say or do or blogg. Then it comes unpleasent and forced and it develops this cycle that feeds itself and in the end I stopp, because it's not fun anymore.
So once again I start and from now on I'll blogg what I want. I'm not going to lable myself or limit myself or try being anything except me. (Ok I promise I'm still going to try to keep this within some class or taste, but obs. try.) This whole text is kinda out of what I usually write, but the greatest development hapens outside of the comfortzone. And I'm calming my mind with the fact that internet is so vast and full of stuff and bloggs and everything, that if someone doesn't like this, it's ok, they can just move to next one and not read this ever again.
So without further deleting or analyzin I'm going to publish this. May this be the first step towards accepting myself just the way I am and starting to deal with the fact, that no one will ever be able to please everybody. So why even try.
This is just me.